Some days I am good. Some days I am not OK. PTSD is weird, in that I can be good at 8am, and bad at 8:15 am. I can go from OK to triggered and having flash backs in seconds. This time of year is a trigger for me. When I am triggered I isolate. My coping mechanism of choice has always be disassociation. Nothing is real, and I am far removed from anything remotely real.
Have you ever had an extremely stressful day, and you just want to fly to a remote island? Well, disassociation is that flight to a remote island for me. It is a protective state of mind. It is a survival instinct until the trauma ceases. Except triggers keep the trauma replaying for a while. So you might see me with a vacant stare going through the motions. I might be mindlessly going through my phone never really seeing what is on the screen. You can call my name I won't hear you. I am far away on disassociation island .
As a mom, disassociation is a downfall. As a human, disassociation is why I am still here. It can be a healthy coping mechanism, yet unhealthy. Such a conundrum, right? You do not want to be a millions miles away when your kids or husband need you. You also need to check out for a few minutes to get through a trigger. The trick is to use it for a few minutes. Like all vacations you can't live on the island. You have to come home eventually. You have to face reality when the perceived danger is over.
Sometimes it is hard to see that you're OK through the fog of PTSD. It is a good reminder that you are OK. You have made it this far and you can keep going. Triggers do not last forever. Flash backs end. Wild memories eventually settle into the vault of your mind. When you have come so far, you can get through a rough season. This season is rough for me. I miscarried at 8 weeks on my birthday, December 23, 2012. It was my 26th birthday. This time of year the images of that day play out in my head over and over. This was my third miscarriage in 6 months. The Dr had said I probably would never carry a baby to term, and the circumstances were especially traumatic. I was not OK....at all. It is hard to relive that day, but I get through it every year. I will get through it this year too. In the mean time I will struggle, and that OK too. I won't stay in the struggle. I will work through it and come out the other side.
If I even go out this time of year, don't be surprised if I am not all there. I am probably away on my island healing.
❤️
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