Looking back I see so much hardness I have went through. It is easy to compare our lives and think someone else seems to always walk through life unscathed. The thing is bad things happen to everyone. Not necessarily the same bad things, but none the less, bad things happen to everyone.
I remember when we moved to Kentucky from St Louis 13 years ago. I was about to go through some things I could've never foreseen. I had just lost three babies two years earlier, given birth to our oldest after a high risk pregnancy and a little bed rest and complications. I was now pregnant with our second and it was taking a major toll on my body.
When we moved I lost a well paying management job because there wasn't a transfer available. We were broke. Like didn't buy groceries for three months broke. You cant just not have food when you have a 12 month old and you are three months pregnant. I remember praying for our next meal. We never went hungry. God provided three meals a day for three months when our budget didn't. I cant even remember how it all worked I just know my baby had her bananas and Cheerios for breakfast without fail. God used generous people to help us, without them knowing what we were going through. I almost lost my life giving birth to our second daughter during this time. Even though we saw blessings it was just a horrible rough time.
We have had other rough times since. I know when going through the bad times you cant see the outcome. The bad is right in your face and you cant even see your next step. It is overwhelming. In this time my depression came back with a vengeance. I was in such a dark place. It really should've killed my marriage, but I have a man that believes in sticking it out. I look back on these times and I don't know how I made it. I have had depression since I was a young teenager. It really was nothing new. In fact, it was old and a burden I didn't know how to carry anymore. I just wanted to be done with it forever.
Looking back, I am proud of myself for making it through the best I could with the circumstances I had. Being honest, my circumstances were stacked against me for me to not make it with mental illness. I dealt with a lot of misinformation, judgment and stigma within my supposed support group. It was far from ideal, but I made it. I am stronger, wiser and maybe a little jaded. And that is okay.
Today with therapy, medication and a diagnosis, I am able to stand on my own two feet. I realize I didn't get here alone. Only by the grace of God am I here today, stable and somewhat thriving. Like I said, I have an amazing supportive husband, who has been right by me every step of the way. I also have a really great therapist who has learned I'm pretty stubborn and I will heal on my terms. I am no longer just surviving another day. Bad things still happen to me, because well, that's life. I am more prepared to handle those times today than I was 13 years ago.
It is okay to look back as long as you are looking to see how far you have come. Don't look back at the mistakes, the could've beens, the missed opportunities. That isn't productive and will only bring you hurt. These things happen and we cannot change it. Look back and see you have made it through wounded but wiser. Use what you have learned to get you through what life throws at you now. I still have depression, anxiety and PTSD. They still affect me daily, but I have learned what I am made of. I will not deal with everything perfectly. I will react in anxiety, or allow depression to take over. I know now I don't have to stay there. I am empowered to look back, take in the lesson and live my life fully.
