Victim vs Living Victimized

I had a discussion yesterday about being a victim. I do not see myself as a victim and would vehemently deny to anyone that I am a victim. I am a fighter. I am strong even though I get tired. But I struggle with the trauma of what happened to me.

I have had to learn there is a difference between being a victim and living victimized. Being a victim is laying down and giving up. It is a choice to do nothing. It is a choice to live in a place of you against the world. As victim you nothing will ever go right in your life. When something bad happens, a person living as a victim will say this is just my life.  Living victimized is not knowing what to do with the trauma and allowing it to hurt you over and over. Yeah I know I said allowing. It is a hard truth, but if nothing else I am a straight shooter. You are a fighter. You aren't laying down and taking it, but you aren't allowing yourself to process it either. It is also a choice. A choice to carry the burden instead of facing it head on. It is a cycle you are stuck in because of fear, anxiety, exhaustion....the list could go on.

I am stuck in the living victimized cycle. I live with the fear of facing the trauma. It is allowing myself to go there and feel it all over again. I am scared. Then the light bulb moment came when I realized I carry the trauma around like a sack of potatoes. Afraid of letting go and opening the Pandora's box of hurt. I am a fighter and I have worked hard to heal. Fear has no place in this last major step of kicking PTSD butt. I will not run anymore.

The choice is mine. I didn't choose to be raped. I didn't choose to be abused. Other people made those choices for me and it sucks. On the positive side, I can choose to not let it run my life. I can go to a park and walk all by myself and feel safe. I can empower myself with self defense tools. I can work out and get physically stronger. At the end of the day though, the best thing I can do is let go. It sounds so easy. Just let it go (thank you Frozen I will be singing that all day). Letting go and processing is the hardest things you or I  will ever do. People will not understand and it really isn't their place to understand. Just keep moving forward and facing it head on, (talking to myself here)