Most days I am walking along in life trying to live in the present. It's my biggest battle with PTSD. I tend to flip flop between the past and future. I work very hard to stay present and engaged. The more engaged I am the less I disassociate.
The struggle starts at memory lane. Memories are either my best friend or my worst nightmare. One smell, the way the sunlight falls, the weight of a blanket on my skin, certain sounds take me straight back to 5 years old. Once again, I am powerless, tiny, insignificant, used, useless, traumatized.
It is amazing me to me how quickly the mind shifts from one place to another. Memory Lane has its moments when it rules my evening or afternoon.
Once your mind has been taken to a place of brokenness it can't process memory lane is not a street you stroll down. It's more like the rat infested alley in an inner city that you avoid at all cost.
It doesn't mean I shut down all memories. I want to live fully. So I allow myself to remember. I have to take the good with the bad. As I learn to process the bad in therapy I will enjoy the good times on memory lane.
